The Wisest Wizard

The wizard woke up early on Wednesday morning.  He put on a freshly pressed wizard robe and his tallest and most intimidating wizard hat.  As he walked out the door of his wizard's tower, he grabbed a long, gnarled staff.  The staff was topped by a weird ram's skull.  He and the skull had lived together for the past 500 years.  The horns twisted and turned around themselves, the powerfully enchanted skull vibrating with an unpleasant aura.

The wizard ran out to his car, parked on a nearby side street.  Just as he arrived at his car, a traffic enforcement agent was applying a car immobilizer "boot" to the wizard's car.  He couldn't believe it.  All those unpaid parking tickets caught up to him.  He was going to miss his job interview.  His hopes of moving to a much more expensive and remote wizard's tower with nicer IKEA furniture were immediately dashed.

The wizard tapped his magical staff on the ground three times.  Immediately, the weird ram's skull sprung to life, twisting and undulating from dark magic.  The ram's skull began to speak in a shrill tone, "Now we'll never be able to afford a new flatscreen TV!  Do something, you twit!"

The wizard, not one to take any shit from the ram's skull, began to think.  With the speed of a man 1% of his age, he thrust his hand into his wizard robe and took out a meerschaum pipe.  The pipe was implausibly white, looking pristine for its considerable age.  It was painstakingly carved into the shape of a woman's distressed face, complete with wide screaming mouth.  The wizard shouted in a booming voice that echoed down the narrow street, "STOP RIGHT THERE! RELEASE MY VEHICLE!"

The parking enforcement agent, mostly ignoring him, muttered, "Just doing my job."

Before the parking enforcement agent could even finish his sentence, the wizard stooped down and packed the pipe full of dog excrement.  He flicked up one finger, and casted a cantrip.  Flames licked out of his finger, igniting the pipe. The wizard inhaled the smoke of the dog shit deeply into his lungs.  Stifling a cough, he pursed his lips and exhaled with great gusto towards the parking enforcement agent.

The parking enforcement agent's smug expression quickly gave way to a terrified mask of horror. From the wizard's lips came out a billowing cloud, made up of scintillating colors and shimmering patterns.  The weird ram's skull began to contort and pulsate, emitting a deep bass note.  And then, the wizard, the skull and the parking enforcement agent began to dance.  They danced together for hours while the putrid clouds of burning dog shit and dazzling colors filled the air on the untraveled side street.

The wizard eventually lost interest and walked back to his wizard's tower with the staff, remarking introspectively, "I'm high all the time, I smoke that dog shit."