Mayonnaise and the Mayon

Mayonnaise is a great boon to both our society and our sandwiches. I even take the liberty, as all free men should, to put a sizable dollop in my hair each morning to revitalize it and give it the consistent cowlicks so often sought by someone of my intellect. Mayonnaise is a thick spread made from emulsifying oil and egg yolks. What mayonnaise is made from is no mystery. Where mayonnaise is made is another beast altogether.

A plebe such as yourself may not appreciate the significance between champagne and sparkling wine. Champagne comes from the Champagne region of France, all other sparkling wines are not champagne but merely sparkling wine. This is also the case with mayonnaise. All true mayonnaise comes from the Mayon, a massive volcano in the Philippines. The Mayon is a stratovolcano or composite volcano. The current cone was formed through pyroclastic and lava flows from past eruptions. Mayon is the most active volcano in the Phillipines, having erupted over 47 times in the past 400 years. The Mayon erupts furiously, issuing forth torrents of molten mayonnaise. All of the mayonnaise in the world comes from the Mayon. Other so-called mayonnaise is actually generic emulsified egg oil sandwich tonic.

Now that you know the truth, please try to give justice to the true mayonnaise and stand opposed to the dilution of the market with inferior products.


While I was researching that for you, the reader, I ate a large poundcake and drank a bottle of wine mixed with a pot of coffee. Winecoffee is a mixture that only the finest palates appreciate but once you have acclimated to it, it is an undeniable pleasure. It also is an effective way of making an otherwise expensive bottle of wine last longer in the mouth. With today's economic hardships certainly upon those of you who did not heed my warnings, this tip will be invaluable. Salvage what you can.

Call Barack Obama and tell him about the Mayon. He is a wizard, so do not expect him to treat you well. He was made to be the politician who proves the system to work. Instead, the system will prove that his sorcery over the electorate and his desire to deal the final blow to the American economy and our freedoms is as powerful as any prior tyrant.

Long live the king, the wizard, the philanderer, the magician, and may the Mayon provide for them all.

Buy American

Readers, you've heard the age old adage, "Buy American". But did you ever stop to think that we are only Americans because of the tyrannical oppression of our government and the institutionalized violence that pervades every realm of our society. General Motors? Violent. McDonald's? Violent. Even something seemingly innocent like Coca-Cola is violent. When someone tells you to buy American, tell them that they might as well be saying, "Buy violence."

You see, all of these companies pay taxes. And the taxes go to the government. So by offering products that Americans want, they support the government, which is the violence which makes us American. Even the dollar bill is violence. The fiat currency that the government props up with the falsehood that is freedom is inherently violent. I've converted all my currency into instruments such as gold and platinum. I do keep one dollar for the occasional cheeseburger, but if you have more than one dollar, repent immediately against your violent tendencies.

This is an avalanche that can never be stopped. The laws of inertia dictate that an object in motion can never be stopped and so similarly an object at rest can never be moved. And so America is the immovable force versus the unstoppable object, and with that comes the violence, the killings, the rapings, and the rape-killings. We rape the killers, and kill the rapists, and in return are raped and killed by the Government of the Corporate States of America. Nothing can stop it.