Drakkar Noir

On a hot and humid June day, Principal Jackson's voice crackled through the static of the middle school public address system. "Students, please form straight, single file lines and proceed in an orderly fashion to the gymnasium for an Assembly."

We did as we were told, and I ended up seated next to my friends Joey and Mike. We weren't the most popular kids at school but we were pretty cool, anyway. The Principal, flanked on one side by a stocky policeman, asked our teachers to leave so that we could have an assembly about the dangers of illegal drugs. Principal Jackson introduced the policeman as Officer Albanese, and told us that he would be making regular visits to the school to educate the student body about drugs, and that he would know if we were using any drugs and put us in jail.

This was the beginning of the DARE program and the first we had ever seen of this sort of assembly. Joey rolled his eyes and Mike and I tried not to laugh. "What a waste of time this is," I thought.

Principal Jackson stepped away from the podium, heading to the back of the room, and Officer Albanese took his place as speaker.

"Hello, My name is Officer Albanese and I will be your DARE officer. I have been a police officer for 10 years and I have seen drugs tear apart families, destroy this community and kill children. I have seen the worst parts of drug use and I am here to tell you about them so that you will not use drugs and so that you will never have to deal with these tragedies that I have seen."

Officer Albanese's speech began to drag and he could tell he was losing the attention of the audience as the murmur of side conversations became a dull roar of student's talking amongst themselves. Albanese thoughts raced, quickly trying to bring the attention back onto himself. "I am a police officer and because of that, I am the only person in this gymnasium qualified to carry a gun."

The officer drew his sidearm, a black pistol and held it up over his head. Albanese waved the gun back and forth. "The government has entrusted me with this authority, to use lethal force to protect the public from criminals and dangerous drugs. The power of this firearm cannot be separated from the power of this badge," he said, holding up his badge in his other hand.

We laughed to each other in the crowd. "This guy is really on a trip," I whispered to Joey.

Albanese asked the Principal to come back to the front of the room. Principal Jackson took his place at the side of the podium and began to address the crowd. "Now, remember what Officer Albanese said and DARE to resist drugs and violence. I hope that you all --"

Albanese kicked the back of Principal Jackson's knee and pushed him down by his shoulders on to the ground. The officer trained the pistol on the now prostrated school administrator. A concerned silence fell over the crowd, but nobody moved at all.

"Take off your pants and take a fucking shit on the floor," Albanese's voice boomed through the gymnasium.

The Principal quickly undressed. His disgusting penis hung limply as he cowered, straining to produce a bowel movement before the burly policeman. As he strained and grunted, small nuggets of feces began to drop onto the shiny hardwood floor of the gymnasium. It was so quiet that we could hear each squishy plop as the pieces of shit hit the wooden floor.

Officer Albanese's face contorted into a smug mask of satisfaction and he walked out of the gymnasium without saying anything further.

I'll never forget that day. It was the first time that me, Mike or Joey had ever see a man forced to defecate at gunpoint. It wouldn't be the last.

A Christmas Goose

In the spirit of the holiday season I will share with you a tale of a Christmas past. I was invited by my friend and fellow patriot Tony to come over for the usual Christmas spread: a fine ham, a roasted and stuffed christmas goose with all the trimmings and a smorgasbord of other fixins.

Tony and I had been friends since high school. He was a pretty agreeable guy and he understood the truth in all its forms. Plus he cooked a mean goose, and the giblet gravy that he would make, was delicious. I went to Tony's house early that day to help with the cooking.

I drank a quart of brandy and he drank a quart of rum. The Christmas meal's intoxicating smell wafted throughout his A-frame cabin. Tony took the cooked goose, glistening in all its fatty majesty, out of the oven and set it on the table upon a silver platter. We guzzled more brandy and rum out of leaded crystal goblets.

Tony brought in the heaping pot of giblet gravy. The gravy was still boiling in the sauce pot. The dark brown color of the gravy was perfect. I could not stop thinking of how good the gravy would be atop the goose meat and how gluttonously we would eat this meal. That is when Tony's doorbell rang.

Tony carried the still-steaming giblet gravy to the front door. As he opened the door, I saw that waiting outside was the homosexual mailman, Rico. Rico stretched out his arm, his hand holding several envelopes. Tony quickly threw the entire pot of giblet gravy into the face of the homosexual mailman. Tony shut the door immediately afterward.

That gravy would have been spectacular.

We ate the goose while staring at each other silently. The pitter-patter of snow against the windows was the only sound. Sometimes Rico would yell from outside. Each time I would close my eyes and put another slice of buttery, succulent goose meat into my mouth.

The Forest

"The days are shorter. The nights are colder. Society is crumbling. The supplies are running out. The government is destroying us. The misery. We're dying from the inside out, because of technology. These are the elements of the "progress" that mankind wanted so desperately to achieve."

John knew that. The statement echoed in his very soul as he mouthed the words to himself in the darkness. The night was freezing cold and the forest was unforgiving. The noise of insects and the hooting and grunting of animals was barely audible above John's heartbeat. John's heart was beating like a helve hammer inside his chest. The adrenaline coursed through his veins and cold sweat soaked his clothes.

John was bleeding from running through the brambles earlier. His feet hurt from running and his thoughts were racing.

John was not much of a woodsman. He was a counselor for breast cancer survivors. Many of his clients were dealing with mastectomy procedures and he ran weekly group meetings at his office near the forest. The issues of loss of femininity and losing their sexuality plagued the survivors. John did his best in therapy to reintegrate them into the society from which the survivors now felt so removed.

John's life was boring but he liked it. Helping people was in his nature. He had a birthmark in the shape of the continent of Africa and he would rub olive oil on it at night.

But not tonight. Tonight John was running through the woods. Running for his life.

John blamed the whole situation on Cleite. Cleite joined the group on Tuesday. Cleite was depressed and unpredictable and she was turning the group against John with her headstrong diatribes against men. The cancer had made Cleite bitter, and her physique was as strong as her hateful feelings.

The meeting had gone awfully. John walked out to his car dejected. Cleite shouted from behind him, "John!"

As John turned to see what the commotion was about, he heard the distinctive pluck of a bow and the whizzing of an arrow past his head. John began to run and a second arrow flew past him.

John didn't have time to think as he ran into the forest. He weaved between the trees and ran as fast as he could. John had been in a runner in his youth but a car accident in the 90s had left him lame. The best John could muster these days was around 7 minute mile pace. No sense in thinking about that. Nobody can outrun an arrow.

John rushed and ran into the night.

These are the elements of the "progress" that mankind wanted so desperately to achieve.

John hid behind an oak tree and struggled to catch his breath. His eyes were watering. John gasped for air. He was dizzy and worried about passing out.

Just then, Cleite stepped out from behind the tree and saw John. She looked at John with a disdainful look and bent the yew of the bow. John clutched his chest. The carbon-shafted razor arrow protruded from his chest. The arrow punctured his lung. He was choking on blood. John fell to the ground and quickly passed out.

Then he woke up. Cleite was still there. She stopped doing CPR on him and killed John again.

Official Police Business

If you are reading this, you have no doubt realized that lizardmen control America. They are well on their way to controlling the entire internet and shutting down this website. Enjoy being able to view the truth while you can. Until the lizardmen do ultimately prevail I will speak the truth about them.

The lizardmen are organized in a patriarchal society. Each band of lizardmen is lead by an alpha male who makes them submit to his whims with violence. The use of force is the only law that the lizardmen know. The individual bands are united by regional warlords whose ruthless brutality subjugates all the bands. And yet the multitudinous warlords work in concert, under the scaly thumb of the supreme king of the lizardmen. The most exalted high king of the lizardmen is truly the worst of them all.

He rules America from his foul nest in an earthen mound. He has taken all the powers from the Americans, if they even can still be called Americans. Today's American shames the notion of what it is to be an American. The modern American is a puppet of the lizardmen, who pander to his capricious nature while exploiting his inability to see the bigger picture.

It cannot be disputed that man exists to kill man. Man has done so from the earliest days. Think back reader, to a time when there were many fewer men. Is there any doubt in your mind that in that prehistoric time, when the first man came across another man, that he slew him where he stood? Of course not.

And this is man's twofold purpose: idolatry and killing.

But nowhere did God say to man to be enslaved by the lizardman. And so I say, tell a friend to tell a friend about the lizardmen, and their society, and their foul, slithering king.

Barack Obama is a lizardman. He is the worst lizardman of all because he dominates not only with shockingly violent force but also with skulduggery . Barack Obama, the lizardman, dares not to show his true form to the American people and the people of the world, but instead comes as a Black, giving false hope to the downtrodden and racially oppressed. He hates grenadine and the mere sight of it drives him to lie in a specially-built teak bassinet where he coos and whimpers like an infantile retard.

Drive him back.

2 oz. Dark Rum
2 oz. Orange Juice
2 oz. Pineapple Juice
1/2 oz. Lime Juice
Dash Grenadine
Orange Slice & Cherry for garnish

Hooked on a Feeling

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

That's what I keep telling myself. But things have changed a lot. Maybe more than we're willing to admit. I know I've changed. I tried not to.

The more I think about what happened, the less I know. Jackie. Jackie's girlfriend. Ayaz. The videotape. The meteor. Maybe I'm cursed. Maybe not.

I had a dream last night. In the dream, I stuffed a fistful of hundred dollar bills into a pregnant woman's mouth. The sound of the bills rumpling and crinkling was as loud as her muffled groaning. The total value of the bills was easily in the thousands. The pregnant woman's face contorted into a mask of ecstatic bliss as the money crunched between her teeth.

The human mouth is horribly unsuited to masticating dollar bills. They crumple and become thick with saliva, but they never truly become easy to swallow. The pregnant woman knew this.

Just then, I woke up from the dream. I was soaking wet with sweat and the bedsheets clung to my body. The humidity of the summer night was unbearable.

I sat down on the couch. I crudely rolled a joint out of an ATM receipt and some very old marijuana that I had stashed in a drawer. The TV was on, and blaring. I wasn't sure if I had just turned it on or if maybe I had left it on all night. I poured a glass of peppermint schnapps.

I thought about the pregnant woman again. And the hundred dollar bills. What a strange dream.

I smoked a few more joints. Some burned quickly. The good ones burned slowly. The room was hazy with smoke and I polished off the rest of the bottle of peppermint schnapps. My hands were sticky. Schnapps. I stood up quickly to turn off the TV. I lost my balance and fell back down onto the couch. The room was spinning.

I struggled, staggering across the room and up the stairs to my bedroom. Right before I laid my head down to rest, I shoved another handful of hundred dollars bills into the pregnant woman's mouth. It's expensive, but it works.

Casualties of a Misspent Youth

When I was a young man, I remember sitting with my father. I was 17 at the time and he was 65. He was a man of unusual stature, with the posture of a question mark and heavily worn hands that looked like tanned leather but felt like shark's skin.

"Son," he said. His tone was solemn, and I could tell something was wrong. We didn't have talks like this often. "There comes a time in a young man's life where he needs to see the world, to make an indelible mark on life so that when he is old, and crippled, he can point mightily and say that he achieved something. Some day when you are old like me, you'll understand the point of all this. Just remember: one day, you'll be an old man, and you'll say to your kids 'That was the high water mark,' and you'll be filled with the same degree of pride."

"What pride," I inquired, my voice squeaky and timid.

"The same pride I have when I talk about old cars that I have and all the times I fucked your mother!"

My father was cranky sometimes. I tried not to take it personally. But I knew what I had to do: I had to go out there and take life by the balls, to really do something so that when I died my legacy would live on.

It was a big task for a young man like me, back then. Some would say insurmountable. But, I am not one of those "some". I am a go-getter, and I was even then.

I thought for weeks about what to do. One day, while sledding with friends, I had the idea. I remembered a place my father had taken me in the winters as a kid. My father had a cabin in the Poconos for years when I was younger. We used to go there all the time and go skiing and hiking around in the snow. It burned down 7 years ago and he never rebuilt it.

I couldn't remember exactly where the cabin was but my father gave me an old hand-written note with the driving directions. He let me borrow the family sedan and out I went. There were some isolated flurries and a wintry mix of weather but it was nothing bad enough to make the roads impassable. After a few hours of driving I arrived at the ruins of the cabin, partially covered in snow. The sun was setting, and I got my flashlight out of the car.

The cabin burned down because of faulty wiring. The old man always considered himself to be a bit of an electrician, but the reality was that he had no more business wiring a home than he did flying to the moon. Because of that, nobody thought anything of it when the house burned down. Neither did I.

There was a cave behind the house that we used to hike out to. I figured I would check it out for old times' sake while I figured out just how I was going to rebuild the cabin to impress the old man. I walked and walked for about 35 minutes until I arrived at the cave. The weather was starting to turn for the worse, but I wore a large goose down jacket and thermal underwear because I was anticipated being outside for a long time. I wasn't hot by any means but I wasn't freezing to death, either.

The cave was in a large thicket of pine trees. I used to call it christmas thicket. The cave was offset and at the back of the thicket, and had a large entrance, with about double overhead clearance for an average man.

I walked to the mouth of the cave and then walked in, shining the flashlight so as not to trip and fall. The cave was remote enough that getting a twisted ankle could be a real nuisance for the trip back in the snow. Even in the cold of that winter day, the cave had a strong, musty smell. It reminded me of elephants at the zoo. And there was the strange, wafting odor of maple syrup.

As I crept in deeper, I thought of the old days of going in the cave and feeling like a real explorer, finding the uncharted interior for the first time. "How naive," I thought to myself. While I was thinking I scraped the edge of the wall with my shoulder and ripped my jacket, exposing some goose feathers.

The wind was howling around the entrance of the cave and it could clearly be heard even towards the back where I was. At this point I was about 200 paces from the entrance, and the area around me was illuminated only by the narrow beam of the flashlight. I heard something. Something different. Not the wind.

It sounded like snoring, but mixed with laughing. I quickly swung the flashlight around the cave looking for the source of the sound. That is when I saw him. The cave was now home to a massive beast, double my height and easily four times my weight. He was covered in long white fur, except for a bald spot at his belly, and muscular. The beast began to wake up and I began to panic.

As the beast came to and stood up, I could see plainly that he was a yeti. The yeti was massive, and he was too big for me to get around him in this narrow part of the cave. I was cornered. His breathing was deep, and the breaths he expelled were hot and smelled like spoiled meat. I knew the yeti would make a meal of me if I did not act quickly.

With the grace of a fetishist many times my age, I reached into the rip in my jacket and pulled out a single, long goose feather. And I tickled that yeti like no man has tickled a yeti before. The yeti bellowed deeply with laughter, shaking the cave and the ground. After several hours, the yeti pushed me aside, probably to go back to hibernating.

I walked back to the car, feeling dirty and wondering if this is what my father had wanted all along.

These days I wonder if the house burning down was really a wiring problem or something else. And I think about that yeti. What a weird yeti.

Habit Forming

I received a VHS tape in my mailbox this morning.

I sat down in front of my television and played the tape. A hazy black and white image appeared on the TV screen. The recording seemed to be filmed with an old 8 millimeter camera. It was a shot of a beach, at night. The ground was silt and sand, and the trees looked like tropical forest. It was a tripod shot, and nothing happened for the first few minutes of the video.

The recording was really grainy and shot without the benefit of the modern camcorder's night vision technology. I couldn't see that much, but I could clearly hear the waves crashing, and some garbled off-camera voices.

After a few minutes of the unintelligible voices I left the tape playing and made breakfast. I poured a large bowl of granola with dried strawberries and poured milk and peach schnapps into it. Mostly peach schnapps.

I came back to the television. The shot was the same, but the camera had been knocked over. I rewound the tape. Hastily, I shoveled some granola with schnapps into my mouth. The camera was upright again. I pressed play.

A figure came out of the tree line. The figure was shirtless, with pale white skin and wearing jeans. He was bald and looked at the camera with wild eyes. He was probably about 25 feet from the camera. His jeans looked frayed. His head moved from left to right and right to left like a bird's might. He took a few steps closer to the camera. I could see that he was extremely well-muscled.

Still about 15 feet away, he began to reach out with his arms. Long, long arms. His arms telescoped further and further towards the camera, intertwining and wrapping around each other. They twisted and untwisted.

I paused the tape to see a hazy freezeframe of the man's long, long arms.

I sat down at the table. I rolled a loose joint with some old marijuana and clutched it in my mouth. I walked to the bathroom to urinate. Just as I had finished urinating, a powerful piss shiver overtook me. I shook violently, and the joint fell out of my mouth into the urine-filled toiletbowl.

I heard screaming and moaning from the other room. I rushed in to see what it was. The tape had become unpaused and the volume was blasting. Apparently, whomever had made this tape had taped it over an 80s porno. The moaning and grunting of the blaring pornography eased my sense of alarm. Then I saw it: the man in the porno had long, long arms. They warped and undulated around the woman, and his misshapen penis entered her again and again.

I walked back into the bathroom and fished the urine-soaked joint out of the toilet. I broke up the joint and mixed it into my cereal. The man with the long, long arms was still fucking on my television. I left my house and went for a walk.